Ticking Crocodile.

In Peter Pan & Wendy, Captain Hook is fearful of the ticking crocodile. The crocodile represents death; the crocodile has already enjoyed the captain's hand, and desires the rest of his meal. Any ticking sound is a sour reminder of the crocodile.

I too have a crocodile: 15th September. He's everywhere. In my phone-calls to tour operators, in my emails to the teacher who will replace me, in the boxes I have sent home, when I check my daily-planner, and in my students eyes when they ask me when I am leaving. Today I was writing something on the board, something completely unrelated to my circumstance, when suddenly someone or something nudged me and said,

"You only have 4 weeks....hurry, hurry, hurry!"
I replied "Yes, I know...please...I'm doing everything as fast as I can..." and banished the voice from the classroom.

Tick, Tick, Tick....it's in my head, it's in my heart, it's in every breath I draw. I am caught up in the whirl-pool of advancing time, fighting to control the speed of my descent into the unknown. Like a soldier going to war, I am grateful for everyday that passes, and I can only think of one thing: SURVIVAL. Ensuring that everything I can't carry is sent home, cleaning my stinky apartment everyday (and it STILL stinks), liasing with tour operators so that everything is organised (I still haven't got anything nailed down), and reminding my Boss about the extension on my visa, so it's not a Korean-style last-minute panic.

Each time I meet up with a friend I wonder if it will be the last time I see them. "I'm going to miss you..." they say, and each time the words ricochet off the shield that guards me from additional emotional anxiety. I smile weakly and say "I'll miss you too", a pathetic representation of how I am truely feeling. At that point I wish I can make promises, but I cannot. Maybe I will do another year in Korea, but then maybe I will not.

Meanwhile I worry that in my last week, I will forget to go somewhere, do something or meet someone for the last time. I feel awkward and misplaced...I fear that my departure will be equally clumsy as I stumble through my last week, tripping over problems that have been left to last minute (probably through no fault of my own). I'll just have to wait and see.